The Loss

*miscarriage information* Very Detailed.

I had recently found out that I was pregnant, due mid January. At first it was a major shock, I had no clue what I was going to do or how I was going to tell my family that I was pregnant, AGAIN. Of course, once the initial shock had warn off I was totally excited and ready to welcome a new baby into my life. With as much love as I have for Ivan and Aidan, I knew that one more would just add to the love I have for life.

I hadn't been able to make an appointment to be seen yet, apparently when you're on a community based health plan, it's not as important for you to get proper medical treatment as it would be if you were paying out of pocket (ANYONE who thinks it's a good idea to give healthcare to everyone free of cost is INSANE and has obviously never had to deal with being on a similar coverage plan themself!)

Everything was going fine, and similar to my two previous pregnancies, morning sickness and all, but then I started to notice some changes that I didn't find normal. First being that I was losing a substantial amount of weight. I had lost about 20lbs since learning I was pregnant, and I hadn't been trying --- hadn't altered my diet or excersize (or lack there of)... and in the middle of the night, Wednesday night I woke up because i suddenly felt moisture there. I went to the bathroom to check what was going on and found there was a slight pinkish and mucousy discharge. I wasn't able to immediately take myself to get care because I had to wait until a decent hour when my children were awake (and again, being on community based health-care you can't just go to the 24-hour urgent care, you have to go to the one that opens at 8am, but better get there at 6 to make sure you're standing at the front door to get in!) So I called the 24 hour advise nurse line, and she said not to worry, that pregnant women bleed, and it was probably normal.

I decided to lay back in bed and could only imagine that something was happening to my little baby. I eventually fell back asleep.

In the morning I went to the urgent care office, where they saw me, but didn't do any lab work, just pretty much told me the same exact thing that the advise nurse had said a few hours before. So I went home, feeling guilty because I didn't know for sure what was going on. Within minutes of walking in the door I started cramping and I KNEW this couldn't be normal. Not small cramps, but LABOR pains. I ran into the bathroom to find that my underwear were soaked with bright red blood and small, prune-sized clots. I sat on the toilet crying, and instinctively pushing. I could feel blood rushing out of my body and an occasional clot.

There was no way I could just sit on the toilet all day though, because I have the two little ones to watch after, and I was the only person at home at the time, and of course because I hadn't needed any pads in a while, I had none on hand, so I had to open one of the boys' diapers and lay it flat in my underwear until I could get something better for myself.

As soon as I stood from the toilet and took a step to walk out of the bathroom, I felt my body push out a large mass. I knew that was my baby. I began bawling as I pulled my underwear back down and sat, to see my baby, my little boy or girl, lifeless and tiny, no larger than a lemon right there. I held my baby for a minute and cried.

As soon as I was able, I showered, dressed and took the boys to their daycare facility so I could go to the emergency room, where they confirmed what I had already known, that I had miscarried and that my body has passed all remaining "debris" (It hurt me deeply that someone would refer to my child as debris). Apparently the doctor who treated me had never experienced this or childbirth because she released me to work immediately. IMMEDIATELY. HELLO, not only an I emotionally hurt, but this also took a terrible toll on my body too. But because I had nothing to excuse me from work for the following days, I had to attempt to go. Of course I told everyone of my pper management team what was happening, and they allowed me to leave to get rest.

From the emergency room they had given me instruction to "follow up with my primary doctor". I tried. Thursday, Friday tried to call to make appointment; no answer. They don't allow walk ins, so the weekend passed, Monday rolled around couldn't get a hold of anyone, so today, Tuestay, 6 days after this started I went back to the urgent care clinic, where they told me that "we don't take your insurance. IF we say you last week, that was a courtesy and we cannot see you today, I suggest you go to your doctor" So, I drive myself, in pain to my doctor, go in (rather upset) and explain that I had a miscarriage, went to ER was told to follow up and was experiencing excrutiatingly painful cramps. The receptionist told me "The doctor isn't in until 9:30, and honestly, he probably won't be able to help you because we don't have ultrasound equipment here" so I left and went back to the hospital Emergency room where I finally interracted with a doctor who seemed to have some sort of compassion and understanding for me.

She gave me a pain-killer for the cramping, but also nother drug that she said will cause even more cramping because it's going to help my uterus expel anything that may still be in my body from the pregnancy. I had another ultrasound to confirm that my body had infact passed the whole pregnancy and I wouldn't need a D&C and I was released to go home, but not back to work until next monday.

I feel guilty that I have no pictures of my baby, no ultrasound of him/her in utero. But I will always have a memory of the person I saw that day in the bathroom and held, if only momentarily. I wish that this process had all gone smoother for me. But there's not much I can do now. What's done has been done and I finally found someone to help me. I just wish this was something NO WOMAN ever had to experience. ---not the loss of a child or pregnancy, because that is all part of God's plan, we all come and we all go when he calls us home, but the lack of help in her time of need. People should take responsibility to help women who need it most instead of telling them to go elsewhere. ESPECIALLY when they're trying t do it all alone.

I'm sure some of this sounds like rambling (I am currently doped up on vicodin to help with the pain) and I'll proof read this and edit later, but I had it on my mind and had to get it out.


I love you baby. May you rest in peace.

I had such a good day with the boys today! We went out and had a date day... a somewhat expensive date day --- but sometime you just have to splurge. I took them to see Monsters VS Aliens (And was charged full price for BOTH of them, even though Aidan's only 1 and Ivan's only 2 because it's a 3D movie!) Then we went over to the mall, picked up a couple new outfits and got portraits taken! Ivan chose the background. :-)

A moments' peace... just one.

That's all I get these days - if that. About a second of down time. But I can't really complain I love being a mother and everything that comes along with motherhood.





Ivan recently started his "why" stage. Which I still enjoy. It goes a little like this





Ivan "Where's Daddy"


Me "He's Driving"


Why?


Because he had to go home.


Why?


Because he has to go back to work.


Why?


Because he was only out here to visit.


Why?


Because he missed you guys.


Why?


Because he's your daddy and he loves you.


Why?


Because you're such a sweet little boy... and if you ask me why one more time we're not going to go to the park today.


Otay. Why?


Because I said so.


Ohhhh... Mommy, where's Daddy?





Anyway, as you can tell, Will was out here recently for a visit. I had hoped he was going to stay longer than 2 and a half weeks (and I sure hope he didn't leave me with a third baby! lol) He surprised me with the visit. He called me on the 28th of January and asked me if I could be in Palm Springs at 9am on the 1st because he had gotten a bus ticket and was on his way. I'll be honest I was a little scared about the visit at first. I was afraid that I wasn't going to have enough patients and time to distribute between both of the boys and Will. But of course I was super excited too. This man is the love of my life and I hadn't seen him in over a year! :-) My heart broke a little when he cried the first time he saw Aidan. He realized how much of their lives he's missed out on. I sure hope that he can come back soon. He only left a week ago and I miss him so much already. He was such a help when he was around here. Sure, I had to spread myself a little thinner between everyone and I REALLY didn't have much "me" time but I loved it! More than anything! Our whole family was together again.

At least we got to spend Valentine's Day and His Bday together! I just wish I had been able to get MORE PICTURES but my camera disappeared one day. All I remember was will handing me the camera while I was asleep and I had it under the pillow and I can remember thinking I needed to get up and put it somewhere safe.. and I kinda remember getting up to put is somewhere... but that's just it... I don't remember where.

I guess this is all the time I get for now because I hear a couple little boys getting into some trouble!

Baking Snickerdoodles

When you have two boys everyday is an adventure. The other day we all went over to Grandma's house and she let Ivan help her do her baking! He sure did have fun mixing and licking brownie mix and snickerdoodle dough!

Aidan had fun just scooting around in the walker and making noise!